Today I unfriended someone on social media. Why? This friend has openly recommended the workplace that fired me because of my disabilities.

When I have tried to talk to my employer, I have sometimes been told to make changes in my life. Another person with a disability has been singled out as a role model and because they have managed ‘not to let their disability stand in their way’, I am expected to do the same.

It doesn’t work like that. There are many different kinds of disabilities. They can be physical or mental, but two people with the exact same disability are still different. How a disability affects you also has to do with the support you have, for example from family members. If you have a functioning family relationship and get support from family members, it can appear as if you are functioning well and don’t need support. Some disabilities can also manifest differently depending on the day, meaning something that didn’t bother you the day before may turn out to be an insurmountable obstacle the next day.

Comparing two people with different disabilities is one of the most unfair things there is. Expecting a person with a disability to cope with the same things as another person with a different disability is ableist, unfair and discriminatory.

The employer has also for many years expressed that I merely complain and want special privileges. Why? Because people like my friend openly boast about how great the workplace is. Sure, it might be great for you, but that doesn’t mean it’s great for everyone. As already mentioned, there is also a difference between physical and mental disabilities. Most employers understand physical disabilities because they are usually visible or noticeable in a recognisable way. Mental disabilities are not visible and are therefore very difficult to understand. Unfortunately, employers don’t understand the difference, so when a person with a physical disability thinks the workplace works well, the employer believes that they speak for everyone with a disability, which is why I, a depressed autistic woman with cPTSD, am not believed.

My friend has been aware of my struggles at this workplace. My friend knows that I’ve been pushed out of teams and have had to struggle for several years. Despite this, my friend chooses to recommend the workplace on their social media, which means my friend is no longer my friend. This friend cannot be trusted.

It is one thing to lack sufficient knowledge and quite another to ignore knowledge. In this case, I assessed that my friend has ignored the knowledge and therefore I do not want to continue the friendship. I am drawing a boundary. However, I am well aware that most of my so-called ‘friends’ who have done similar things in the past have actually believed that they have every right to their own opinions. Of course they do, but not when it hurts someone else, and it does in this case. I am fully aware that even in this case I will be accused of being unfriendly, etc.

Recommending a workplace where a friend with hidden disabilities is systematically harassed is not friendship.